


Bruce Campbell is Right Out

by Nestra



Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: Gen, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-10-28
Updated: 2004-10-28
Packaged: 2017-10-02 07:18:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nestra/pseuds/Nestra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"This place isn't gonna hold much longer. Zombie Al has a parking meter, and I think he's going to use it as a battering ram."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bruce Campbell is Right Out

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the La La La Ficathon, in which participants distracted themselves from real-world events by writing stories with zombies. Yes, zombies.

Luke ducked behind the counter as another window shattered and glass sprayed across the floor. The tables they'd shoved up against the windows weren't doing much good.

"I'm really sorry about this, Luke!"

He didn't even have to look over the counter to see who was talking to him. "That's okay, Kirk."

"I just have this sudden and inexplicable urge to eat your brains!"

"I understand, Kirk." He had no idea why the hell he was reassuring Kirk, except Kirk really did sound upset.

"He's awfully articulate for a zombie," Rory said.

Lorelai paused from rummaging through the diner's supplies for a weapon. "Maybe these are new, kinder, gentler zombies. Hey, think we could take them out with plastic forks?"

"You can't even find a butter knife?" He risked another peek over the counter and saw arms pushing through the broken windows and the top half of the door. "This place isn't gonna hold much longer. Zombie Al has a parking meter, and I think he's going to use it as a battering ram."

"Hey, it's not my fault your place was looted. If we were barricaded into the Dragonfly Inn, I'd have all sorts of cutlery at your disposal. You want to argue about the diner's supplies, go look in a mirror."

"Yeah, I'm a little busy right now." After spending his entire life in Stars Hollow, Luke had been pretty sure that he'd seen everything the town had to offer. Right up until Kirk got into the voodoo business.

"I swear, I thought it was face powder! I even tested it on myself to be safe!"

Luke ran a hand over his face and wished he'd stayed in bed that morning. "Please stop apologizing, Kirk."

"Luke! You have to do something!" True to form, Taylor was doing a lot of hiding and no actual helping.

"Me?" Luke yelped. "Why do I have to do something?"

"They're losing body parts all over town, in clear violation of --"

"The town does not have a body parts regulation."

Taylor drew himself up indignantly, or as much as he could while crouching down by the spare napkins. "It's a public health issue."

"Taylor, either figure out how we get out of here or shut up. Right now, the limbs in your ice cream case are not our biggest problem." He looked over at Lorelai and Rory. "You two are the movie watchers. What are our options?"

Lorelai shrugged. "We hide out in a shopping mall until they go away?"

"Do you have any idea where the nearest shopping mall is?" He held up a hand. "Never mind. Of course you do. Next suggestion."

"We run into the country and find a military base full of soldiers," she said.

Rory shook her head and raised her voice to carry over the grunts from outside. "No, that doesn't work out, because all the guys are crazy and have grabby hands. Although the guns would be useful."

Lorelai pursed her lips. "You're right. Plus, it just leads to anarchy, and then we have to go live in the country and make our own clothes."

"There's probably no chance that a superhero is going to come along."

"And Bruce Campbell is right out. Unless you have a chainsaw, Luke."

"This isn't exactly helping."

Lorelai poked him with a spork, and he rocked back on his heels. "This is your place! You think of something! Don't you have a meat cleaver or a cheese grater hidden somewhere?"

"Right, because I stash cheese graters under the floorboards just in case zombies start eating the town!"

Taylor wobbled across the floor in a poor imitation of an army crawl. "What about these? I found them above the freezer, and the municipal health code states that all food implements --"

"Whoa," Lorelai said, grabbing for the box. "What are these?"

"They're skewers. The kind you serve with shish kabob."

"You serve shish kabob? Until today, I couldn't even imagine you saying 'shish kabob.'"

"It was a thing. It didn't work. I put them in the cabinet over the freezer and forgot about them." He stared at the box, looked up and saw Lorelai staring at the box. "Please don't tell me you're thinking what I'm thinking."

"I was asking myself 'What would Xena do?', but I'm sure you'd look great in a leather mini-skirt."

"We could at least try throwing them." He flipped open the box and pulled one of the skewers out. It was lightweight, but that meant it would travel faster.

Luke pointed at Lorelai and Rory. "When I'm ready to throw, you two cause a diversion."

"A diversion? What --" She broke off as Luke crawled away toward the other edge of the counter. "Okay, a diversion."

He got himself in position and nodded at Lorelai. Lorelai looked dubious, but she stood up, pointed at the window on the opposite side of the store, and yelled, "Hey, is that Lisa Bonet?"

Zombie heads whipped around, and Luke launched a skewer at Kirk's head. Kirk went down with a thump, leaving Luke slightly appalled at the success of the plan, until Kirk yelled. "I'm okay! You missed the cerebral cortex."

"Boy, are you the envy of the town," Lorelai said. "You would not believe how many people have wanted to do that to Kirk over the years."

"Lisa Bonet?"

"It worked in 'Angel Heart.'"

"The skewer doesn't stop them unless we can get a lot closer, but it looks like it slows them down."

"Time to make a run for it?"

Rory joined their huddled conference. "Can I be Thelma?"

"No, honey, this isn't 'Thelma and Louise'." This is 'Aliens'. Or some movie where everyone doesn't wind up dead or forced to star in a sequel with Winona Ryder."

"A fate worse than death," Rory agreed.

Luke laid his hand on Lorelai's arm to pull her attention away from the banter. "What happens if we make it out the door?"

"We all pile into your truck and drive like hell?"

Luke thought about it for a moment as Kirk moaned outside. "Works for me."


End file.
